A part, yet apart.

“You can never really know someone completely. That’s why it’s the most terrifying thing in the world, really - taking someone on faith, hoping they’ll take you on faith too. It’s such a precarious balance, It’s a wonder we do it at all.”

- Libba Bray

I feel like I really need a hug right about now. And not just any ordinary hug. A hug that assures that everything will be okay. A hug that says a million things silently. An embrace so warm, it takes my fears away. A hug that will cure. It's one of the extraordinary things on Earth that can achieve so much so easily.

 

I'd love for that

“Maybe that’s what it all comes down to. Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all.”

Emily Giffin (Love the One You’re With) 

Happy 1st month ♥

xoxo

Concrete jungles where dreams are made of.

“You see, you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too — even when you’re in the dark. Even when you’re falling.”

I'm caught between the girl I want to be, and the girl I really am. I want to be strong, unbeatable, infallible, independent, and not let emotions rule over logic or try to affect me in any way. But I really am vulnerable, emotional, needy, insecure and your average girl next door. Despite it all, I am working towards who I want to be. The girl you see now definitely isn't the girl you knew from the past. But sometimes I wonder, why do I try so hard to not be human? Why am I trying so hard to not feel so much? It used to feel like its okay to be all that I really am, but it doesn't seem to be that way anymore.

When you're someone who tend to gravitate towards feeling a lot about things, you will always tend to let those feelings rule you. It becomes nasty, it attacks from the inside. The kind of pain that you can't do something about, simply because your heart is the one that's aching. Not that I don't feel such pain anymore, but rather, I try to let go of a lot of things that I abhor. 

 I've got to be better than this.

  

Let me lean on you

“All the hardest, coldest people you meet were once as soft as water. And that’s the tragedy of living.”

Sometimes I think I try to be too strong for my own good. 

  

Take now as it is.

I know that just simply saying that I have a problem, doesn't make it an excuse for me to get away feeling the way I'm feeling. Admitting to the problem just helps you to recognize its presence and how you need to do something about it. This is no one's fault. The occurrence of the problem simply lies in my way of self-defence. All I can say is I'm trying. But with each try, I'm taking a risk, I'm scared, I'm saying that I am vulnerable.

  

I won't tell anybody how you turn my world around

I especially like 2, 3, 4, 6, 9, and 10. 

Isn't it always nice to have someone understand your situation completely? You get their absolute empathy and know that you're not the only silly fool going through it. Everyone just wants to know that they're human and they have the right to be human and not some super being capable of being detached from their emotions. Leos are highly emotional creatures. And I, am a girl capable of feeling.

And I love 10. It's the best start to your day especially if you're gonna have a rough one ahead. And I always feel thankful whenever people try to cheer me up, even though its just a text message with simple words, it really works. And no, these don't include texts that say, "There's a project meeting tomorrow." Those are usually followed up by the action, are you sure you want to delete message - YES.

On a random side note, I have this odd incline towards slouchy dress/tops nowadays. It does give you the out-of-bed look but its so comfy you won't regret wearing them! Lazy day outfits I'd call them. I'd wear them everyday if I could! Dress - Lucyd Acyd. They, are genius. 

Hello hello Holidays, I am hungry for fun :)

Blind

“I was full of a hot, powerful sadness and would have loved to burst into the comfort of tears, but tried hard not to, remembering something my Guru once said — that you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead.”

- Eat, Pray, Love. 

  

Dynamite

"Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world"

- Rihanna

Dark Child

Our psychological state allows us to see only what we want/need/feel to see at a particular time.

What five words do you see?

I see Crush, Fools, Secrets, Suicide, Leave.

I'm becoming such a dark child. Or like I'm having these sinister dreams with so many hidden meanings. I am scaring myself. I still can have that cheerful disposition if I want to, but the things that go through in my head are... terrifying.

ANYWAY, my self proclaim holidays are here! Oh boy does this suck because no one has holidays too, or they really have better things to do. I am the kind of person who needs something to do, something to look forward to. At least there's a goal, or something to be excited about. Asking me to be home everyday will drive me up the wall. I'll make a bad full-time housewife, really. So, to feel rid the sian-ness I've been feeling all week, I came up with a list of things I hope to accomplish by the end of next week.

1) Cycle Exercise
2) Afternoon tea
3) Shopping
4) PARTY!
5) Swim & get a tan
6) Meet my dear Peiwen!


Not that difficult huh.

Cruel to the eye.

"To dream that you are lying, suggests that you are trying to deceive yourself into believing in something that goes against your natural instincts or long held values. Ask yourself what you are hiding from yourself or from others."

The sub-conscious mind is so powerful. How is it so.

 

I will be no less than who I'm meant to be.

Rise and shine sunshines.

It's another day.

Sometimes I think I want so much in life. I want too much. I want to go on a picnic, take crazy-ass amount of polaroids, I want to watch a broadway musical in NY/London, I want to drive a yacht, I want to go on a romantic walk in the beach on horses, I want to ride those 4WD, I want to go to Africa and visit the animals. This is just a fraction of the crazy things I want to do in my life. We're only young once, we do crazy things when we're young. Now I need to find someone as crazy as me.

xx

  

Liar liar, pants on fire.

My parents have trust issues. Not with each other. With me. I am a 20-year-old adult. Yes, I slip up, I forget things, I'm human. I am old enough to know that when you give me your word, you don't go back on it. That is the point of giving me your word isn't it? I mean if words are so fucking cheap, then don't bother even speaking. If you don't think I can handle the car, then don't even get me to learn it. (Though I did it for my own sake as well) I am not here as your fucking back-up plan. The one you go to when Daddy eventually won't be able to drive around.

I am sick of hearing my friends being able to actually take the car out for spins. Whereas, I, am still restraint to that 1 year rule. Yeah sure if that 1 year rule even exists. It's just a cover up to drag time for me not to take the car out. Please, I know. The more you don't trust me with the car, the more I can't trust myself with the car, and what makes you think the 1 year thing really works? The more practice you have, the better you'll get right? I mean you can't expect me to be tail you around all the time, just so I get to drive, right? Cut to the chase. You might as well tell me, now, straight in the face that I'll never get to drive around. That might actually stop me from dreaming of ever being able to drive, and would actually push me to save up, work harder, to get what I want.

Adults never go by their word. Thanks for being such a fine example for me. Indeed. Remind me NEVER to treat my kids like that, please.


 

Like fire and rain, you can drive me insane.

“It does not hit you until later. The fact that you were essentially dead does not register until you begin to come alove. Frostbite does not hurt until it starts to thaw. First it is numb. Then a shock of pain rips through the body. And then, every winter after, it aches.”

The highlight of my week thus far includes meeting up with a very old friend. It was nice, really, to catch up after so long. It's heartwarming especially because I'm really selective about the people I am close to, hence, I am acquaintances with many, bonded to only a handful. Sad, but true story there. J said my thinking has become a lot more matured, and also quipped that I am such a 'emo hero' these days. Also in our conversation included a lot of interesting issues raised which left me thinking.

Is the increase of age directly proportional to the increase of unhappiness? I think I am increasingly unhappy with each year I age. Maybe it's a baseless observation, but I wish I knew better. It is not school, though it does make it worst, its just my state of being that is not at an equilibrium. I really need to start finding things that I can find joy in doing, find what I'm missing in life right now. I think it's crazy. I'm only 20 and I'm so jaded.



 

It is not like the second goodbye is any easier than the first.

The more I try to push away feelings, the harder it hits when it comes back. Eventually we've all got to face up to things that we try to be strong about. Being stronger doesn't mean running away from issues that you have to deal with and pretending it's okay. How else is it going to go away?


 

We'll find our way.

“He didn’t say anything. Maybe there wasn’t anything to say. Instead, he wrapped his arms around me again, only this time he guided my cheek onto his chest and ran his hand over the back of my head, clumsy but comforting. I closed my eyes and listened to the thud of his heart until mine matched pace with his. Finally, he rested his cheek on top of my head and whispered, ‘We don’t have time to be sad.’”