Marchin' On

“I’m talking about the ones who, for whatever reason, are as much a part of you as your own soul. Their place in your heart is tender; a bruise of longing, a pulse of unfinished business. Just hearing their names pushes and pulls at you in a hundred ways, and when you try to define those hundred ways, describe them even to yourself, words are useless”

  

I've got you

There isn’t really a name for it but it’s the kind of thing where all you need is to hear them breathing next to you in order to feel safe from the world, from yourself, from the sound of your breaking heart echoing underneath your ribs. It’s the kind of thing where nothing else seems to matter but surrendering yourself to that moment, lying inside the nook of his arm, enclosed by the warmth of his body.

  
  

Don't ask for the world if you can't handle the world.

"It’s like a ferris wheel, this thing we have, where the sight of it is so magnificent and so romantic, but my fear for the height of it overrides the idea of even wanting to be inside it. Then I remember how lovely it is to be that high and how the view from the top is almost always worth it. And it makes it never want to come down again."

It's so amazing how someone's words can be a perfect match with my feelings.

I have a few issues that upon the mere mention of it, pushes my emotional button and sets me thinking a lot more than I ought to. It's just like a landmine. But my mines are all carefully placed in certain areas which you'd really need to think twice before attempting to even cross the area. I shall not be held responsible if anything happens.

So today, my lecturer brought up this issue about what's important and urgent in your life right now. What are your goals, he asked. Everyone answered about wanting to be a fashion buyer, a merchandiser, and etc. Everything that was pertaining to our career because this is afterall an academic class. He then questioned, why didn't anyone mentioned about starting up a family, getting married? Everyone was stumped. No one ever thought about it being a goal in life. 

It might seem silly to some, to say that their lifetime goal, is to find a soulmate. I believe in today's context, such a goal is actually worth something. It could be actually be quite an accomplishment, judging from the break-up rates, divorce rates, etc. Which is making me think quite a bit because no one wants to climb all the way up the corporate ladder and still end up lonely with no one to share that happiness with. That's just sad. 

It prompted me to think... what is it that I really want in life? What am I living for? My motivation of late has been on a dry spell and I just get by day by day, for the sake of getting it by. Lately it's been so. I wouldn't call it stress from school because whatever I am getting now, pales in comparison to the stress I get back in TP. I would say presently, I'm content, but whenever I want to look a step ahead, or even into the future, there's this unexplainable sadness that overwhelms. I feel like something's missing...

Closer to the edge

Hello school. Bye life.

I am on a major photo-lag, events lag, everything. School is draining me of such leisure time. The routines are beginning to kick in. And you know I don't do well with routines, they drive me up the wall. I've so many pretty pictures to share but no time to get them up. Either that or I'm doing a good job procrastinating.

I asked M if I've changed and became this person who's much stronger, and maybe quite a turn-off for men. He said "I guess so. I guess you're stronger now because you don't have a choice."



  

It’s safe to fall if you just trust the ground that you stand on

Pandemonium

Sometimes I wish I have a glimpse of the big guy's plan for us. Everything happens for a reason. Every single thing that happen, will lead up to something bigger. This has happened only one time too many, and only when the 'big thing' happens, I will come to realise that, sometimes we really have no control of our fates. Sure we can make some choices, make that big decision, but it boils down to, whatever that is meant to be, will be. We can't change that, can we. 

Events lead to people, people lead to new people, lead to new beginnings. Whenever you look back, don't you find it scary how it's part of this big elaborate plan? I wish I could know a little, enough to stop making wrong moves, making the worst decisions and ultimately do something right in my life. 

I'm jaded. Are you? Don't we all get this feeling every now and then? I don't want to go through the motions of everything all over again just to find myself getting out of it. Or working so hard for something that in the end, I find that its not worth it, or I don't want it anymore. That kills, and ultimately, it leaves me increasingly skeptical and cynical with each such experience. Sometimes I envy those who haven't seen that side yet. They just seem so happy. Oblivious, naive, but, so happy. 

We're all chasing for that bit of happiness. We're all fighting and working hard to be happy. Happiness mean different things to different people. Success, or realising your goals might make some happy. A good job with a stable income might make some happy. Finding the love of your life makes others happy. We're all fighting so hard just to find happiness in our hearts. But really, will we ever be happy? 

I know I'm thinking way too much these days. Being caught in a limbo gives me so much space to think, explore the depths of my emotions and thoughts, and no solid ground to stand on. So many things can bring me down, but nothing, nothing is gonna cushion that fall.

xx  

On the side of me...

Hello,
I now have a formspring to entertain anonymous queries. 

This might be fun!

http://www.formspring.me/angelamaryann

  

We all need a little of this thing called faith sometimes.

Take the first step in faith.

You don't have to see 

the whole staircase.

Just take the first step.

- Martin Luther King Jr.

You're amazing just the way you are

Hello the big 2-0. 

I've come to officially join the rapidly aging group! They always say, once you're twenty, the years are gonna creep up to you really quickly! I love birthdays, and I love how special they'd always make you feel. It's like a special pass given to you on this day, to let you get away with being a bitch, a grump, a princess. Yes, I'm rather liking the last. With all my heart, I appreciate every single birthday wish on facebook, text, twitter, etc. I appreciate Scandal gang for coming down to celebrate my birthday with me, and counting down, and for the awesome company (as always) and the birthday gift! And lastly, to the person who fulfilled the one wish that I've been hoping to hear for four years now, something that I casually mentioned and didn't expect for it to come true. I wish I can say its just another song, but to me its not, the meaning of the song transcends beyond anything anyone would ever know. Maybe this time it'll be different. Maybe...