Christmas Whirl

Christmas 2010

  

Feel the Christmas cheer

Merry Christmas.

How time flies and we find ourselves faced with the season of giving once again. Tis the season for loving, warm meals with family, gatherings with friends. My favourite holiday of the year! However, it feels like the magic of Christmas for me always lies in the eve, and the magic simply dissipates on the day itself. Well maybe it's just my family. The air is filled with the aroma of fruit cakes and gingerbread!

This Christmas I have someone special to spend it with. God-sent, truly. No matter how tough the going gets, he is always there to see it through with me. Someone special who loves me immensely and whom I love too. That's a rare gift I'll treasure with all I have. ♥

   

Waiting outside the lines

The boy's back from Cheenaland with gifts! The bear is really really adorable and he says its here to accompany me when he can't. Aww, plus the bear looks like him with the chocolate tan and all. He's really sweet to get me all the cute little gifts but the best one of them all, is him being safely home. :)

Its 5 days to Christmas! I'm barely feeling the festive season with my poor hoarse throat! My throat has never been so hoarse for so long. I want to enjoy all the yummy Christmas food! I need to feel the Christmas cheer... afterall its my favourite holiday of the year and I gotta wait another 365 days for this wonderful season after this has past. More Christmas songs and shopping perhaps!

I went walking aimlessly for about an hour yesterday, trying to sort my thoughts out after a very unhappy event. I tried answering the questions that kept whirling in my mind. Alas, I can't give a certain answer to those questions and put those nasty thoughts to rest. I wish I knew His bigger picture, His plan. But I know, right now, all I gotta do is to have faith. Lots of faith, and hope, that the voice in my head will be right.



 

Rocketeer

G's gonna be home tomorrow. I can't be anymore happier than I am now, except tomorrow at the airport! It really hasn't been easy without him here everyday. But his messages and emails keeps me going on, pushing on to every new day. When he's home, the Christmas mood is gonna start kicking in, for real!

On a side note... my study room has been in a perpetual mess. My parents are getting frustrated and frankly so am I. What they don't get is, the amount of time I'll need to organise it, and how pressurising me and threatening me to throw away everything, doesn't help. My house in the future is gonna have to be really organised (Think walk-in wardrobe style, I am so sick of the mess) and I'll have to try very hard to maintain it because if you don't know me very well, I am a organised mess kind of person and I have way too much of everything!


 

Female 50 Gorgeous people 2010

(Official pictures of 50 GP 2010 from Female Singapore & Asiaone.com)

This sums up my journey of being in Female 50 Gorgeous People 2010. I can't express how amazing this whole experience has been for me. Meeting new people, experiencing new things and gaining more exposure. Being on Razortv, going for the fittings, catwalk in public places, and getting into the top 10. It's predetermined by votes, so I really have to thank the people who voted for me!

My friends have been the best group of people I'd ever need in my life, constantly being there to show their support, and of course, voting for me and being there during the preview & finals to root for me. Despite having work, school, or even a flight to take the next day, they still turned up to attend the finals. Aww you guys really are the best! And lastly, my ever so supportive and loving boyfriend, who unfortunately couldn't turn up for the finals, but from the start gave his encouragement and neverending support to me. He mobilised people to vote for me, started posting on FB, bugged people to vote, went for the preview and got me a bouquet, and stood by me every step of this journey (cept the finals). I am really thankful and lucky to have found someone like him who's willing to go through life's ups and downs with. ♥




   

Tonight's the night

Today's the finals for the Female 50 Gorgeous people and I'm really hyped up for it! Though half my mind's working on how to get out of my current job which is really sucking my soul. It's not even a decision whether to stay, or not to stay. It's how to get out! I feel like because of this burden weighing down on me, I hardly have any mood for anything else. :( But its the finals, I've got to put this aside and be gorgeous tonight! Exciting! I really wish G can be here to see me tonight... I miss you dear.


 

Strength

I miss you already, and its been less than 3 hours since I've last saw you. I have 164 hours to go, minus 8  hours of sleep everyday, that will be 56 hours off, which gives me 108 hours of waking time without you. Its difficult for anyone to understand how its like in my shoes, especially to comprehend what we've been through. To have someone message me at the start of every day, to give me support and encouragement, telling me that I can do it, and take time off to give me something to look forward to at the end of every day, to let me come home to someone I love, and to a sanctuary where I know I'll be safe from the world. This is how I get by every tough day, this is how I ride out every problem in my life, how I endure all the shit that gets thrown in my way. He makes it all better for me. Simply by gently encouraging me, by letting me see the light at the end of the tunnel of every single thing. I have never been more thankful, more blessed, more loved than now. Now that you're away, I feel like I'm gonna have to be stronger than ever. Hurry home now love. Things are really not the same with you away...



 

Beauty and the Beast

There's a facebook anti-violence children campaign going on, and encouraged us to post our favourite childhood characters. And so, we are,

Beauty and the Beast!

My boyfriend is so sporty to agree to do it with me, and is simply, the, BEST. 

  

Take that leap of faith?

Won't you believe?

Believe in the best in people.

Believe in that there's an exception to the rule.

Believe that this is true.

  

The exception to the rule

“I will love even if it hurts, give even if I never get anything in return and believe even when there’s all reason for me to give up. At the end of the day I want to die knowing I’ve lived and loved unconditionally, completely and without regrets. And if this means I run the risk of getting hurt so bad I might never recover, then bring it on. Because a life of wondering what could have been will hurt more than anything anyone can ever inflict on me.”

These days have been nothing but contentment. I could have ask for no other way for things to have worked out between us. Sometimes I feel like we fit into each other's gaps naturally. He's logical, I'm emotional. In a way, such a combination could prove fatal or terribly complimentary. I'm thankful, for each and every day that he's been in my life. Another day is another blessing.


 

I like the way it hurts

I am trying to make myself think logically, than to let my emotions control most of my thoughts. Even as I am succeeding, there is no stopping myself from feeling what I feel. It's whether or not I chose to let it reign over me, or try to make sense out of it. 

  

Papa no americano

Tomorrow marks the first day of my internship!

Someone please let this phrase ring in my ears.

It's going to be okay

xx

Get me out of here now

I wish someone would share what I feel right now, I wish someone would just tell me, I know how you feel, I feel that way too sometimes. I feel so alone in this. I am feeling things that no one can understand from my point of view, no one can see it the way I do, unless you're the one standing right in my shoes. This goes beyond me telling myself that everything will eventually work out.

I am afraid my decision that might seem beneficial for the future me, but will affect the present me which inevitably affects the future me. It might be detrimental I admit, but I have this inclination to do crazy things in my life. I can't deal with a life that is contented with monotony.

Never would the me in the past make such a decision that would affect me like that. I decided to play the odds of fate. And besides, haven't you heard? Never make someone your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

Parachute

Present day relationships in itself is an art to master. Gone are the days where it's love at first sight, and you know you're meant to be for life and the next step is marriage. In present days, a lot of factors come into play in determining the span of a relationship. Sure you can say love surpasses all and if its true love, all these are just bullshit. But with societal changes, people tend to hanker after different things with each stage of their life. I mean, people are also becoming increasingly open about relationships. Commitment becomes a thing to be toyed with. 

Present day relationships need a lot of work and attention to maintain it. It may seem tiring to outsiders, but when you're in it, it doesn't become so much of a chore. It's more like, I'm doing it because I want to, not because I have to. That's only of course if two people are in love. You need to learn how to maintain that balance in your life. Nothing teaches you more about balance than being in relationships. You tip the scale a little more towards something, you lose the other. Unless you have a superhuman partner who's doing the exact same thing, or is especially magnanimous about this. 

I am hardly worried about anything else in my life. Work worries are fleeting and superficial. Problems closer to the heart are my Achilles heel. To me it's my inner support system. It's the thing that keeps me going when the world decides to go against me, to make the tough get going. And this is what gets to me most. To me, this is the first step to success. Once you have a stable family behind you, your core support system, there is nothing you can't achieve.

Transparency

"A woman can handle almost anything if you tell her the truth about it, but if you lie to her, you will undermine her faith in herself, and ultimately her trust in you. Tell her the truth. Let her work it out. You can damage love and love will repair; but once you damage trust... you’ve got a rough road to walk. A lie needs support, but the truth stands alone."

Hold it together until you can hold it in no more.

  

Take me home

Guilty as charged for leaving this space dusty.

Too many things, too little time.

Meanwhile,

You can find me here every now and then!

http://www.female50gp.com/2010/blog/author/angela/

This is really exciting! :D

Do drop a vote for me when you're there okayxx. Click on the vote page, not the blog posts! :)

SPREAD THE WORD HAHAHA.

I'll be back!

xx

  

Honey, take me home

Have you ever felt like sometimes you try too hard to be strong? We try as hard to block some things out of our mind, but we can't run away from it forever. It comes knocking back on our doors, sometimes harder than the first. The more you pretend its non-existence, the harder you fall when you realise you can't anymore. 

Why can't we just slip into depression, instead of putting up a strong front everyday? Does this little act of pretense help to gradually convince us to believe that we are okay? We will be, eventually, I'm sure of it. But I am tired. Sick and tired of trying so hard to be strong when all I want to do is to fall apart. Every fiber of me is worn out, drained. Why am I running away from what I'm feeling inside? 

I am tired and I really don't want to be strong anymore.

“I’ve realised that I am the problem. It doesn’t matter where I am or who I spend the day with, because I cannot escape myself.”

  

Running through me

I really need some hugs right about now.

xx

Be Not Afraid

In light of recent events, with all the frustration that seem to envelope my life, a church hymn started playing in my heart during one of my particular difficult moment. It came from nowhere, with lyrics that tugged at my heartstrings. They were lyrics that mean so much to just hear them right now. It felt timely, comforting, and gave me a little more strength and encouragement to go on.

I will come to you in the silence

I will lift you from all your fear

You will hear My voice

I claim you as My choice

Be still, and know I am near

I am hope for all who are hopeless

I am eyes for all who long to see

In the shadows of the night,

I will be your light

Come and rest in Me

Chorus:

Do not be afraid, I am with you

I have called you each by name

Come and follow Me

I will bring you home

I love you and you are mine

I am strength for all the despairing

Healing for the ones who dwell in shame

All the blind will see, the lame will all run free

And all will know My name

Chorus:

Do not be afraid, I am with you

I have called you each by name

Come and follow Me

I will bring you home

I love you and you are mine

I am the Word that leads all to freedom

I am the peace the world cannot give

I will call your name, embracing all your pain

Stand up, now, walk, and live

Chorus:

Do not be afraid, I am with you

I have called you each by name

Come and follow Me

I will bring you home

I love you and you are mine

I didn't want what I've built up over the past 6 months to come crumbling down. For 6 months, I've pushed myself to be stronger than I've ever been in my entire span of existence. For 6 months, I told myself no, it's not okay to be weak, the only way you got to go on is to be strong. Sure there were many times during that period that I drowned in my emotional state but that didn't mean that I wasn't strong to go on. 6 months later, I gave in to my inner demons. I feel like falling apart. Though I've got to be strong, life goes on, it is easier said than done. But because of the people around me, and the faith that these people instill on me, beyond being strong for myself, I've got to be strong for them all.



  

Close to you

“It was not one of those strong, impulsive feelings that can hit two people like an electric shock when they first meet, but something quieter and gentler, like two tiny lights traveling in tandem through a vast darkness and drawing imperceptibly closer to each other as they go.”

- The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami

 

I'm in love with love.

I like to hear stories of sweet girlfriends and boyfriends, their romantic gestures, or elaborate surprise plans. You know it's these sort of things that gives me hope that the world isn't so ugly afterall. Love is still here to make everything better. Its the thing you come home to at the end of the day, fatigue as you are, simply just seeing your loved ones just takes it all away the pain. Its the thing you turn to when you most need support, the spur you need to keep going on, the motivation that takes you through everyday. This is what keeps me coming back.

xoxo

Runaway.

I am never adequate.

A part, yet apart.

“You can never really know someone completely. That’s why it’s the most terrifying thing in the world, really - taking someone on faith, hoping they’ll take you on faith too. It’s such a precarious balance, It’s a wonder we do it at all.”

- Libba Bray

I feel like I really need a hug right about now. And not just any ordinary hug. A hug that assures that everything will be okay. A hug that says a million things silently. An embrace so warm, it takes my fears away. A hug that will cure. It's one of the extraordinary things on Earth that can achieve so much so easily.

 

I'd love for that

“Maybe that’s what it all comes down to. Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all.”

Emily Giffin (Love the One You’re With) 

Happy 1st month ♥

xoxo

Concrete jungles where dreams are made of.

“You see, you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too — even when you’re in the dark. Even when you’re falling.”

I'm caught between the girl I want to be, and the girl I really am. I want to be strong, unbeatable, infallible, independent, and not let emotions rule over logic or try to affect me in any way. But I really am vulnerable, emotional, needy, insecure and your average girl next door. Despite it all, I am working towards who I want to be. The girl you see now definitely isn't the girl you knew from the past. But sometimes I wonder, why do I try so hard to not be human? Why am I trying so hard to not feel so much? It used to feel like its okay to be all that I really am, but it doesn't seem to be that way anymore.

When you're someone who tend to gravitate towards feeling a lot about things, you will always tend to let those feelings rule you. It becomes nasty, it attacks from the inside. The kind of pain that you can't do something about, simply because your heart is the one that's aching. Not that I don't feel such pain anymore, but rather, I try to let go of a lot of things that I abhor. 

 I've got to be better than this.

  

Let me lean on you

“All the hardest, coldest people you meet were once as soft as water. And that’s the tragedy of living.”

Sometimes I think I try to be too strong for my own good. 

  

Take now as it is.

I know that just simply saying that I have a problem, doesn't make it an excuse for me to get away feeling the way I'm feeling. Admitting to the problem just helps you to recognize its presence and how you need to do something about it. This is no one's fault. The occurrence of the problem simply lies in my way of self-defence. All I can say is I'm trying. But with each try, I'm taking a risk, I'm scared, I'm saying that I am vulnerable.

  

I won't tell anybody how you turn my world around

I especially like 2, 3, 4, 6, 9, and 10. 

Isn't it always nice to have someone understand your situation completely? You get their absolute empathy and know that you're not the only silly fool going through it. Everyone just wants to know that they're human and they have the right to be human and not some super being capable of being detached from their emotions. Leos are highly emotional creatures. And I, am a girl capable of feeling.

And I love 10. It's the best start to your day especially if you're gonna have a rough one ahead. And I always feel thankful whenever people try to cheer me up, even though its just a text message with simple words, it really works. And no, these don't include texts that say, "There's a project meeting tomorrow." Those are usually followed up by the action, are you sure you want to delete message - YES.

On a random side note, I have this odd incline towards slouchy dress/tops nowadays. It does give you the out-of-bed look but its so comfy you won't regret wearing them! Lazy day outfits I'd call them. I'd wear them everyday if I could! Dress - Lucyd Acyd. They, are genius. 

Hello hello Holidays, I am hungry for fun :)

Blind

“I was full of a hot, powerful sadness and would have loved to burst into the comfort of tears, but tried hard not to, remembering something my Guru once said — that you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead.”

- Eat, Pray, Love. 

  

Dynamite

"Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world"

- Rihanna

Dark Child

Our psychological state allows us to see only what we want/need/feel to see at a particular time.

What five words do you see?

I see Crush, Fools, Secrets, Suicide, Leave.

I'm becoming such a dark child. Or like I'm having these sinister dreams with so many hidden meanings. I am scaring myself. I still can have that cheerful disposition if I want to, but the things that go through in my head are... terrifying.

ANYWAY, my self proclaim holidays are here! Oh boy does this suck because no one has holidays too, or they really have better things to do. I am the kind of person who needs something to do, something to look forward to. At least there's a goal, or something to be excited about. Asking me to be home everyday will drive me up the wall. I'll make a bad full-time housewife, really. So, to feel rid the sian-ness I've been feeling all week, I came up with a list of things I hope to accomplish by the end of next week.

1) Cycle Exercise
2) Afternoon tea
3) Shopping
4) PARTY!
5) Swim & get a tan
6) Meet my dear Peiwen!


Not that difficult huh.

Cruel to the eye.

"To dream that you are lying, suggests that you are trying to deceive yourself into believing in something that goes against your natural instincts or long held values. Ask yourself what you are hiding from yourself or from others."

The sub-conscious mind is so powerful. How is it so.

 

I will be no less than who I'm meant to be.

Rise and shine sunshines.

It's another day.

Sometimes I think I want so much in life. I want too much. I want to go on a picnic, take crazy-ass amount of polaroids, I want to watch a broadway musical in NY/London, I want to drive a yacht, I want to go on a romantic walk in the beach on horses, I want to ride those 4WD, I want to go to Africa and visit the animals. This is just a fraction of the crazy things I want to do in my life. We're only young once, we do crazy things when we're young. Now I need to find someone as crazy as me.

xx

  

Liar liar, pants on fire.

My parents have trust issues. Not with each other. With me. I am a 20-year-old adult. Yes, I slip up, I forget things, I'm human. I am old enough to know that when you give me your word, you don't go back on it. That is the point of giving me your word isn't it? I mean if words are so fucking cheap, then don't bother even speaking. If you don't think I can handle the car, then don't even get me to learn it. (Though I did it for my own sake as well) I am not here as your fucking back-up plan. The one you go to when Daddy eventually won't be able to drive around.

I am sick of hearing my friends being able to actually take the car out for spins. Whereas, I, am still restraint to that 1 year rule. Yeah sure if that 1 year rule even exists. It's just a cover up to drag time for me not to take the car out. Please, I know. The more you don't trust me with the car, the more I can't trust myself with the car, and what makes you think the 1 year thing really works? The more practice you have, the better you'll get right? I mean you can't expect me to be tail you around all the time, just so I get to drive, right? Cut to the chase. You might as well tell me, now, straight in the face that I'll never get to drive around. That might actually stop me from dreaming of ever being able to drive, and would actually push me to save up, work harder, to get what I want.

Adults never go by their word. Thanks for being such a fine example for me. Indeed. Remind me NEVER to treat my kids like that, please.


 

Like fire and rain, you can drive me insane.

“It does not hit you until later. The fact that you were essentially dead does not register until you begin to come alove. Frostbite does not hurt until it starts to thaw. First it is numb. Then a shock of pain rips through the body. And then, every winter after, it aches.”

The highlight of my week thus far includes meeting up with a very old friend. It was nice, really, to catch up after so long. It's heartwarming especially because I'm really selective about the people I am close to, hence, I am acquaintances with many, bonded to only a handful. Sad, but true story there. J said my thinking has become a lot more matured, and also quipped that I am such a 'emo hero' these days. Also in our conversation included a lot of interesting issues raised which left me thinking.

Is the increase of age directly proportional to the increase of unhappiness? I think I am increasingly unhappy with each year I age. Maybe it's a baseless observation, but I wish I knew better. It is not school, though it does make it worst, its just my state of being that is not at an equilibrium. I really need to start finding things that I can find joy in doing, find what I'm missing in life right now. I think it's crazy. I'm only 20 and I'm so jaded.



 

It is not like the second goodbye is any easier than the first.

The more I try to push away feelings, the harder it hits when it comes back. Eventually we've all got to face up to things that we try to be strong about. Being stronger doesn't mean running away from issues that you have to deal with and pretending it's okay. How else is it going to go away?


 

We'll find our way.

“He didn’t say anything. Maybe there wasn’t anything to say. Instead, he wrapped his arms around me again, only this time he guided my cheek onto his chest and ran his hand over the back of my head, clumsy but comforting. I closed my eyes and listened to the thud of his heart until mine matched pace with his. Finally, he rested his cheek on top of my head and whispered, ‘We don’t have time to be sad.’”