Sometimes I would like to say "I knew it!!" for the events I've correctly guessed would happen and eventually happened. But in these times, satisfaction is not gained realizing that the bad things you felt would happen, really did. My intuition has always been a mix of emotions and pure intuition. It's hard to tell the difference when I sense something bad and when I feel emotionally against that particular bad thing. It has always been so confusing for me. But in light of recent events, I've learnt to trust it a little more. Address it with the due attention it needs. As they say, always trust a woman's instinct. There's some truth in that.
Inadequacy, the root of all insecurities. Cuts deep into the core. Knowing that you're never good enough, and lacking the confidence to act like you're good enough. I'm tired of pretending that I am. I'm tired of putting up that facade to defend my inner monster. What you think matters, but what I think, matters most. I'm vulnerable, and I embrace that. I don't put up a strong front when I know I can't, and especially in front of you, I know I can't. Ultimately, it is upon me to believe the things you do, and the things you say, that show me all these don't matter to you. I know I need to believe.
In the past, this used to be a superficial issue. But with more and more events that reflect this fact to my face, it has a bigger impact on me now. No matter how small the trigger is, the aftereffect gets bigger over time. Take into comparison a country whose structure has been weaken by numerous earthquakes, mild and massive ones. With it's unstable core structure, no matter how small a quake on the richter scale, it will cause a severe impact as compared to a strong structure and small quake. Same logic applied.
When this happens, I've got to wait for it to blow over and start from scratch, rebuilding the blocks one by one... And just wait, wait for another quake to topple it down, all over again.
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